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"That's right, America. Eat your turkey. Fill your gullets until sluggish with its succulent flesh... Then, NO ONE will be able to stop me!"

EAT MOR BUNNEZ

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It's moments like this that get me through the day.

By all means, enter your own caption.

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What a sneaky bugger. However, if, or rather, WHEN the wind picks up, you're fucked.

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I could never put my finger on it, but something's always bothered me about Miley Cryus. Like High School Musical, her popularity snuck under my radar until suddenly...she was fucking everywhere. Now, thanks to this interview by a poor, unknowing Ellen DeGeneres, I have my answer: Miley Cryus is, in fact, the Anti-Christ. As Internet Jesus, it is my sworn duty to destroy her.

At first, she appears just like another semi-shy teen starlet. But watch the video in its entirety. At a few moments, you see the Cryus creature crack and the imp released. Notice the uncomfortable terror in Ellen's eyes. The mewling horror before her clearly caught the witty television host off guard.

The beast has arrived.

And she's winning. Look at your television. Your Wal-Marts. CD charts. New Miley Order is already here. And goddammit, we may be to late to stop it.

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Beware: English teachers are EVERYWHERE!

New Local Video Game Blog: Shoryuken!

My friends and I have just cut the ribbon to Shoryuken!, a new video game blog we put together named after the move from the Street Fighter franchise. It means "Rising Dragon Fist" and the name for move in English versions of the game is the Dragon Punch.

I suppose this, too, is a local blog of sorts (Hi there, Sparkle City!), but I wouldn't say adding an "out-of-towner" is completely out of the question. Here's the introductory post for Shoryken!:

Shoryuken! is a blog about video games.

There goes about 75% of you right now.

The remaining 25% of you, I'm sure, are eager to read the latest in video game news, rumors, and gossip. Yeah. About that. You won't really find that here.

...and there goes another 24%.

Why, hello there 1%! I'm Myles. My cohorts and I will be delivering articles involving video games and the culture surrounding it. If you've read this far, then you likely have a similar curiosity or passion for video games...or you're really fucking bored (Yes, we swear. A lot. Deal.). Forgive the aesthetics, we're still working that out.

Now, come closer. I speak of video games...and I have beer.

Shoryuken! is a reprieve from the detrimental environment of most message boards. A place for video game conversation that's made up of a little bit more than deemings that something "sux" or "ownz." Anyone can offer a one-word review or pontificate over a zinger to tear down a game, but it's more often than not an attempt to look good in front of internet peers (or to agitate them).

We at Shoryuken! hope to spark a little life into video game conversation. There are dozens of news and rumor sites, but very few that really encourage thought about gaming. More often than not, people attempt impress their opinion upon you with their reviews.

We will too, don't you worry!

But most importantly, we want those who take the time to read what we have to say to respond. To engage themselves in conversation with those who love video games as much as you do.

Right now, the blog format suits our needs best. The future may hold a more legitamate website, or even our own *gulp* message board.

Until then, Shoryuken! as it is works for us just fine. Welcome to Shoryuken!

Press Start!

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Something sure as hell happened here, but I have no idea what. So ponder, if you will.

Random Fact Generator

A new online toy I've just discovered. And it's brought me the following delights:

"During a 1956 speech for his campaign of de-Stalinization, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev was asked by an unseen audience member why, as an advisor to the dictator, he had never stopped Stalin from committing his atrocities. Khrushchev immediately lashed out, “Who said that?” The room grew quiet. Khrushchev repeated his query to more silence, waited a beat, and then said, “Well, now you understand why." "

"Cleopatra had a special lipstick made for her, consisting of crushed ants and deep red carmine beetles."

"“Play it again, Sam” is probably the best known quote from the film Casablanca (1942) starring Humphrey Bogart. The problem is, it was never said. It’s a misquote."

"Underneath the striped fur of a tiger, its skin is also striped."

"Two-thirds of the world’s lawyers live in the United States."

"Every year 0.1 percent of BB gun shootings are attempted suicides. That means about 30 people every year try to kill themselves with the tiny pellets."

"Perhaps one of the lowest moments in sports history was perpetrated by the members of the 2000 Spanish Paralympic basketball team. How low did they go? After the team snagged a gold medal, it was revealed that 10 of the 12 players had never been tested, and were, in fact, not mentally challenged."

"Blue eyes are the result of an ancient genetic mutation."

I may make a collection of these a weekly staple. Absolutely fascinating.

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The Japanese "war tubas" were pretty much obsolete not long after their invention. During the first World War and the beginning of WWII the Japanese (and, I believe, the Russians) used these babies to pick up the noise of aircraft engines prior to the introduction of radar.

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Oh, you guys!

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I couldn't resist >:)

Good Morning, Internets

Good Morning, Internets

lolz

Wit for the win.

The Weekly Wank

Presenting The Weekly Wank. 5 random tracks. 5 mini reviews/musings. Keep in mind most of these bastards are hurried as the song's playing (unless it's extremely short, then I pause to at least finish my thought) and probably aren't well articulated. Typos guaranteed

Here's this week's offerings:

1. Apple Pies and Alibis by The Paper Chase

A track taken from The Paper Chase's nosier debut full length, "Apple Pies and Alibis" is less a focused track and more a bridge between to larger songs. The frenetic energy between two distinct piano melodies: one distinct and structured while the other erratic and directionless. John Congleton can be heard shouting lyrics in the background.

Though The Paper Chase remains one of my favorite bands, Young Bodies Heal Quickly, You Know, the debut full length from which this track is taken, is the album I listen to the least. For me, it's interesting to trace how their sound developed, but I rarely break it out just to play on its own.

2. The Frail by Nine Inch Nails

The first of the many instrumental tracks from Reznor's double disc opus, The Fragile. More a swift, quiet mediation of precise piano playing than a fully developed song that leads into the lit-fuse track that is "The Wretched" (one of my favorite tracks from the record).

3. When Your Heart Stops Beating by +44

The debut single from Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker's first post-Blink 182 project seems to react to how their new music might be viewed by those who carry the baggage and expectations from Blink's past, about which Hoppus sings "We don't give a fuck what the price is/So just leave us to our own devices." That said, +44 continues the same progress Blink 182 was making with its darker self-titled album.

Pop-punk still plays a main role in the Hoppus and Barker's music, but the artists' Cure influences peek out a bit more, especially in the bass licks that sound pulled right from the 80's. Fortunately, +44 never tries to make any sort of revival of 80's rock and only subtly show influences without ever wearing it on their sleeves.

The chorus seems like a reassurance to fans on Hoppus and Barker's part. Since this song was the band's first release, with speculation and anticipation from Blink fans extremely high, the sentiment "I'll be there when your heart stops beating/I'll be there when your last breath's taken away/In the dark when there's no one listening" is a gesture on their part to let the fanbase know, regardless of what moniker the two play under, they're still people the fans can confide in if needed.

It's a fun, catchy pop-rock song that, while never quite reaching Blink territory, does a fine job making its own mark for the band.

4. Get In Line by Barenaked Ladies

As with most Barenaked Ladies songs, "Get In Line" is a clever, tongue-in-cheek pop song that will likely barb itself in your brain for days. Barenaked Ladies is one of those rare groups that don't ever really write bad songs. They may not be a mainstay in my listening rotation or rank among the favorite band list, but the band remains an immensely enjoyable and their light-hearted approach to their music is extremely appreciated.

This song about an exasperated boyfriend who's not too fond of everyone's attentions for his girlfriend is no exception. Sonically, this particular track reminds me of Flood-era They Might Be Giants, which can't be a bad thing.

5. Bedroom Talk by The Starting Line

The lead single off The Starting Line's confessional album, Based On A True Story, details the narrator's first sexual experience and saw the band breaking the traditional pop-punk mold. "Bedroom Talk" is still very much a pop-rock song, but frontman Ken Vasoli's maturation as a vocalist and guitarist allowed the band the opportunity to create more layered pop songs than the simple pop-punk song led by a single guitar riff for three minutes, which became a standard in the genre in the early 2000's and led to the oversaturation that still exists today.

Initially, there was a lot of confusion and concern about the opening line of the chorus" "I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married," a line that seems very juvenile and potentially malicious. While probably ill-executed, I remember Vasoli commenting that he never intended to insinuate any violence or unconsented sex. I believe he said something about trying to use popular colloquialisms to gestate what was conceived such a monumental moment, but I can't really remember the gist of it nor can I remember where the interview was from else I'd try to find it. Either way, he did earnestly defend it so that he doesn't come off as a creeper.

Despite that, "Bedroom Talk" is sweet in its own way, and showed The Starting Line veering into a less defined direction, much to the chagrin of their major label representation at Geffen. Not a bad song at all, but not the first track that comes to mind when suggesting TSL to someone.


This has been The Weekly Wank. Now begone.

Good Morning, Internets

About Last Night: Post-Election Fever and "South Park"

The long haul that was the 2008 Presidential campaign came to a long-needed end on Tuesday evening. I felt it anticlimactic, really. After this exhausting battle between the Obama and McCain camps (Unfortunately, Ross Perot remains the last third party candidate to inspire a large amount of people. Also, many of the third party candidates this time around were batshit crazy.), I expected to see at least a little bit of a contest instead of the landslide Obama victory.

Over the past year, especially within the last week, there has been a lot of yelling, debating and otherwise heated exchanges concerning this election. I saw my end of it earlier this week when I re-posted Craig Ferguson's monologue reiterating the "If you don't vote, you're a moron" segment much to the ire of a few of my friends. Part of it had to do with being called a moron for not voting, part of it was because they completely misunderstood my point, and another part of it was they seemed to misunderstand well...the point.

Regardless of who it was, I had originally prepared a one-size-fits-all three-page response to everyone that tore down their arguments and their assessments of what they perceived as my beliefs and attitudes (which, in every case, was completely wrong) and then trying to one-up it by attacking the "unfunny-ness of Craig Ferguson" (missing the point that the monologue itself was not meant to be funny).

But, I decided it wasn't worth the trouble. Most of them wouldn't listen to what I had to say or would only distort it further and cause a much larger fight. I mean, I didn't feel like arguing about it until next week and I'm sure my friends felt the same. So I've decided the only proper way to solve this issue is as such:

I'm right. You're wrong. Neener neener neener.

Fuck, I feel better already!

Cue South Park, one of the smartest and oft-times most unpredictable shows on television. In Wednesday's episode, "About Last Night," the show began dealing with the aftermath of the election. The show's style of production usually allows Matt and Trey to quickly respond to the world around them. But holy shit. There are many moments in the episode that refer to speeches and moments from Tuesday evening. Parker and Stone's quick wit cannot be stressed enough. To not only have the balls to be the first scripted show to deal with the after-effects of an election that remains extremely sensitive for many people, but to attempt do it the day after said election showcases what mad geniuses Matt and Trey really are. I've heard stories of the boys turning in episodes the day the show aired, but this just takes the cake.

Now, I'm sure they had much of the episode planned or written depending on the victor of Tuesday's election, but there was still more than enough mined from things less than 24 hours earlier to impress even those who aren't the show's biggest fans. And Matt and Trey, as they are known to do, did an excellent job of putting things in perspective and people in their place.

As Travis Fickett explained in IGN's review of the episode, "This is something of a kick-off for healing the wounds caused by what was an increasingly hard-fought and often bitter and divisive election....Matt and Trey seem to be holding up their hands to say "Okay everyone, calm the fuck down. Obama won't bring about world peace and free unicorns for all, nor will he turn the country into a socialist republic or destroy it like an oncoming asteroid." This is something South Park has always been good at – exposing the extremes for what they are: extreme. It's like looking at videotape of yourself drunk: yes, you did say that. And yes, that is the face you make when this trashed. It's embarrassing and eye opening, and all you can really do is laugh and get on with your day."

And that's exactly what we should do. I'm looking at the next four years with a resounding "We'll see."

Good Morning, Internets

Good Morning (And Go Vote), Internets

"If you don't vote, you're a moron. "Not voting is a vote" - no it isn't!! Not voting is just being stupid. Voting is not sexy. Voting is not hip. It is not fashionable. It is not a movie. It is not a videogame. Frankly, voting is a pain in the ass. But here is a word, look it up, it's your duty to vote!

Listen. I am an American. This country is at war right now! Americans in foreign lands wearing uniform representing this country are losing their lives. Americans here in this country are losing their homes. We have two patriotic candidates. Both love this country, but have different ideas what to do with it. Learn about them. Read about them. Question them. Listen to them. Then on Election Day, exercise your sacred right as American and listen to yourself.

How could you be not interested in politics? You have to have an opinion about something! "I'm not interested in politics" - do you live anywhere? Do you shop anywhere? Do you drive a car? Do you put on pants? Do you leave your house at any point? Do you own your house? Do you rent the house? Do you ever hope that the police will save you from something that may or may not be illegal? Of course you are involved in politics! If you are alive you are involved in politics!!" - Craig Ferguson

Re-posting the excellent monologue by Mr. Craig Ferguson, late night's best host. Because some of you people still haven't learned a damned thing.

The Re-Return of The Weekly Wank

As promised, I'm going to jump start The Weekly Wank again. To start off, I'm going re-post the crux of the first attempt (with some editing). The format will largely remain the same for the whole two of you that read the previous incarnation. So here goes nothing:

I was recently introduced to the idea of putting my iPod on shuffle and reviewing the first five songs that play. This is a fantastic idea, and serves as a more interesting form of suggestion/warning others than me waiting for inspiration from the occasional album release that catches my fancy. Though it makes sense to have The Weekly Wank on a concrete schedule, I'm not yet positive if Monday will be the final choice. We'll see.

Additionally, I encourage others to do the same. Use my comments section if you like. And forgive typos.

So without further adieu, I welcome you to The Weekly Wank:

1. "Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene

I resisted even listening to this song for the longest time due to the fact that the instant the track was released, I found the lyrics posted on nearly every girl I knew's AIM profile, away message, message board signature, blog, and MySpace page. I couldn't escape it, so I simply avoided the damn song out of spite. For those uninitiated, Broken Social Scene is somewhat of an indie rock supergroup containing members of a bevy of respected bands.

Truth be told, this is a fucking excellent song. There is a subtle art to repetition that walks the razor-thin line of maintaining the song and beating the listener over the head. Placebo and Nine Inch Nails have mastered this, and this song is another perfect example. It works best with music electronic in nature; and, while the foundations of the song's music lie in Canadian folk, it has the structure of an electronic track that wouldn't sound alien on a Postal Service album.

Emily Haines' (of Metric) voice was meant for this song. It contains this warm, haunting quality that feeds the repetitious nature of the minimal lyrics like a familiar ghost singing lullabies from an AM radio.

And I cannot resist the lyrics. They're of the pining nature; that undying feeling you get when you hope more than anything the person who tugs on your heartstrings is also thinking of you. It contains a subtle heartbreaking sweetness to it as well as the irresistibly sincere mantra: "Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me..."

As both a music whore and hopeless romantic, I recommend this song for anyone's next mix tape.

2. "Not Gonna Be Alone Tonight" by eve 6
Like most tracks from eve 6's third album, It's All In Your Head, "Not Gonna Be Alone Tonight" finds the band mixing up their power pop-punk sound with this "I Love The 90's"-type of journey into various stages of "alternative" (at least, that's how the album sounded to me, and we all know, above all, I am right).

Musically, this song serves as a strong combination of eve 6's signature sound molded with this dirty Tom Petty rock that wouldn't work if eve 6 didn't commit to it as much as they do. Max Collins treats the song seriously, saving the song from the stink of being gimmicky, but the lacking punch his lyrics usually contain causes the song to be pretty forgetful to anyone who isn't already an eve 6 fan.

While the song is catchy, and not a bad song at all, it's not among eve 6's best work and makes me wonder how this song made the cut but enjoyable songs like "405" never made it past the demo stage.

3. "Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin

I've always contested that Jack's Mannequin is a far superior musical venture for Andrew McMahon than Something Corporate. And I am not going to go on a rant about "emo," thoughI think the word is grossly overused and misunderstood. I say this because Jack's Mannequin is a band you might hear associated with that word. That's fine. But people allow that association to take away from the listening experienec of what may be an excellent, well written track. That finger is better for pointing at bands who do not deserve a tenth of the attention they have received (see: Hawthorne Heights, Taking Back Sunday)

"Rescued" is one of the songs serving as evidence Andrew McMahon never used his abilities as a pianist as a parlor trick. It's a quiet little ballad dealing with what appears to have been one of many breakoups with the same girl. Dealing with that welcoming of negative emotions that wash over when going through the turbulence of a break-up, McMahon keeps the song simple, not because of his skill, but that it serves the song best.

Moments like this, you feel as if all you can utter are things in simplicity, which oft times end up feeling like revelations. The chorus ends at a place when you think you can handle yourself so long as nothing breaks your immediate concentration; that moment where nothing's good or bad, just a wash of blissful neutrality so that you can collect yourself to deal with whatever comes next: "I'm finally numb, so please don't get me rescued."

This song, like the entire Jack's Mannequin album, Everything In Transit, is definitely worth a spin to those who want something emotive, honest, and somewhat chill to listen to.

4. "Broken Promise" by Placebo (featuring Michael Stipe of R.E.M.)

Michael Stipe and Brian Molko's contrasting voices fit this song like a velvet glove. It begins with a soft tinkling of piano keys as Stipe breathily sings. The song suddenly breaks down into a pounding of electronic beats and guitar work as Brian Molko accompanies him to belt out the chorus. They continue the trend of trading off verses and coming together for the colossal chorus as they play the two sides of of infidelity (Michael the adulterer and Brian the victim).

The song seems to have a sinister vengeful tone from Molko's viewpoint as the chorus goes "I'll wait my turn to tear inside you/Watch you burn/I'll wait my turn." While that may not come off quite as sinister as feelings of anger are obviously understood, the song ends with "I'll bide my time/I'll wait my turn." That sort of scheming seems to indicate that the whole spectacle has made a monster out of the wronged party.

"Broken Promise" is a song that relies on the strength of the vocalists. While the music certain sets the ambiance and carries the structure of the song, the ability of these two distinct voices coming together without clashing makes this song succeed.

An obsessive Placebo fan, I will always wholeheartedly recommend their material. Perhaps not the ideal song to be introduced to the band, but it's an excellent song that allows the listener to bask in the simplicity of the lyrics and complexity of the dramatic stage it sets.

5. "Suicide Uma Schrantz" by P.O.S.

This is a 30-second track of what could easily by tossed aside as a filler track. OK, let's face it, it IS a filler track. But P.O.S. is one of those rare hip-hop artists I just enjoy listening to. He's got an atypical voice for the genre channels the true nature of the style with the rebellious nature of punk rock.

It's a throwaway track, but a little fun. You won't really enjoy this track unless you've heard his work nor will you enjoy it if you're not listening to the P.O.S. album. It's got silly lyrics with references to Suicide Girls and Charles Bronson and actually sounds like it could have made an entertaining full length track, which is unfortunate.

What this track does do is whet the appetite to listen to P.O.S., which I think I will go do right now.

This has been The Weekly Wank.

Now begone.

Good Morning, Internets

Hmmm...