Someone Call The Wah-Bulance

Hello there.

The drink that contains my caffeine is going cold and I fear that my consumption of the nectar is beginning to have adverse effects of my body. I think I'm paranoid, but I get the sense I have heart trouble. Or maybe just high cholesterol. Not that I'll waste the dime and time to go to the doctor, but it's a suspicion.

I am ever over analytical and I need to stop. I can't turn my brain off. Idea after idea after scenario after scenario fly through at a velocity that I can't possibly keep up, mucking up my already broken brain.

Why I'm writing this, I don't know. There's no particular point to this post. I suspect I am typing simply to keep my mind occupied and just let the finger translate thoughts from my brain.

For all intents and purposes, things seem to be going quite well. I am in love with Ashleigh. And she loves me back. But... her time at camp has definitely been stressful for the both of us. Her because she's constantly overworking for something that does not live up to what she had hoped it would. for me because our communication has been cut back severely that my insecurities take over.

When I zone out and put everything in perspective, a feeling of shame and stupidity blushes through me. My fortune with the opposite sex, as I've pointed out several times, has been virtually nonexistent for the last three years. As a result, a knee-jerk reaction to any potential ill event sends my brain into overload.

This is not the first time I've done the distance thing.

My first major girlfriend (in high school) moved to Charleston, but still wanted to be with me. Long story short, she ended up sleeping with someone else. Broke things off, and at the time, my heart.

The first girl I attempted to date after Becca was a girl named Robyn. She lived in Greensboro and ran in the same circle as my good friend Ashli. We became friends and chatted over AIM a great deal. Eventually was decided to have a go at dating and things seemed to look really nice. Well, she had an ex named Dean who had a huge impact on her and broke her heart. First love sort of thing. We had only been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when her communication dropped completely. No calls, IM, text, comments. Nothing. Turns out she decided to start hooking up with her ex and get back together with him. Except...she neglected to ever break up with me. Her friend told me what was going on and I just stopped trying to communicate with her. We haven't spoken since. Given, we weren't serious and I wasn't really THAT into her yet, but it still hurt, you know?

Martine was someone I met because of my friend Sheli. They used to be mods for this somewhat trend focused message board called LaundroMatic. There were few guys there so I was constantly pestered by Sheli to post. So I did. Eventually, during one of the boards frequent crashed, Sheli created a chatroom that people used for the two weeks the damn thing went out. Ended up getting to know Martine very well, we goofed around, got engaged on Facebook, and just relatively had a great time. Martine had, a month and a half prior, broken up with her boyfriend, who had pretty much severely broken her heart (I found this out after we started dating). She lived in Maryland, but I was making decent money at the time so I figured "Fuck it, why not?" Flew up there and had a great time. We dated for a few weeks. Then it came out how NOT over her ex she was, to the point that when he was going to visited, she planned to hook up with him. This was the first girl I genuinely liked after Becca and I broke up (about a year later). It ravaged my already fleeting self confidence. She broke it off, and we had a tense friendship before not speaking for a number of months. I got over it and we re-established our friendship. We don't speak too often, but we still chat from time to time and there's no hard feelings.

Lauren, I liked a lot at the time, went to C of C. She simply wasn't over her ex and it pretty much shot any chance we had at having a relationship. She had a break down and broke things off.

So I have a history of ending up with girls who have this major ex in their life, but somehow claim to have feelings for me and want to give it a shot regardless. Historically for me, they ended up cheating or not feeling like they initially said they would...and it's...it's been rough.

I guess what makes me nervous is the fact that I've fallen for the girl, completely. And..I don't know..she's just seemed distant this week and our contact has already been greatly lessened by her work load. And all the places I work at are fairly dead, so I've got nothing to do think about shit. So i can't help but torture myself with thoughts like "What if her feelings have faded?"

The thought that someone can be in love with me..or that someone says they love me and mean it..it's..it's hard for me to think that. The distance, or at least the distance directly after realizing we loved one another, sort of aids that train of thought. We both knew this would be tough..and I'm struggling not to say anything. Don't want to put her off.

Perhaps I haven't been so utterly open to vulnerability in a very, very long time. I don't know. I don't necessarily enjoy blogging about this to the whole 3 people who read it. It's a bit embarrassing, but I kind of want my ideas stored somewhere, and it helps get things off my chest.